Silence That Isn’t Golden
Some years ago my wife, Cheri and I had dinner with some friends at a little Mexican restaurant in the Proctor district in Tacoma. The food was sumptuous and my chimichanga was absolutely amazing especially considering it was fat free, at least until I ate it.
It was a blustery evening outside so after dinner we snuggled up to a fireplace conversation. It was rather mundane actually, that is until Gertie expressed some strong opinions on a political subject.
What a perfect evening this was turning out to be, a dinner and a conflict. Gertie’s strong words did not harmonize with my view and I felt excited at the potential conflict brewing in the room.
Let me interrupt my narrative for a semantic identification moment. First of all the purpose of communicating is to exchange understanding. Trying to get someone to agree with you is manipulative and contentious.
Secondly, we often confuse conflict and contention so here is my take on the two words.
Conflict is friction. It is not agreeing on the methodology but having the same goal. Conflict is to be resolved and is necessary for growth, especially within a relationship. Weight lifting is conflict to your muscles. Conflict resolution is searching for understanding at the expense of personal opinion. It is what is right and not who is right.
Contention is evil and the absence of progress. It is making conflict personal. It is not topic related but carries the intent to harm with no desire to learn. Contention is searching for agreement versus exchanging understanding. Contention is who is right at the expense of what is right.
As I commenced questioning Gertie about her point of view, she became defensive. There is no doubt my questioning skills could improve, but before I could even express a difference of opinion, we quickly went from conflict straight into contention and the conversation was over.
What happened was written all over my freckled face. The subject was changed, the air was thick, and the evening quickly turned cool. Within 15 minutes we were driving home discussing what I did wrong (because it’s usually my fault.)
I’ve had years to consider this and many other similar events in my life. It seems my questions often get things out of sorts with other folks’ perceived harmony. Why?
That’s because of the confusion associated with conflict and contention. Conflict means there is communication and progress going on. How much exchanging is being transmitted when there is a wall of silence betwixt you and the other person?
Silence isn’t golden. Silence is contention and inhibits progress. Remember the next time you lose your cookies at someone or feel offended, elongated silence damages you much more than the perceived damage of your silence does to the other.
The only exception to this rule is a parent to the child. Parental silence is more than contention, it’s abuse and childish. Grow up and learn to communicate.
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